


hide my chest (feel at home)

by paintedstudy



Category: I Was Born for This - Alice Oseman
Genre: Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Cuddling, M/M, Mutual Pining, Swearing, hand-holding, like. its mentioned., lowkey 'and there was only one bed'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 17:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19178497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintedstudy/pseuds/paintedstudy
Summary: The last time Jimmy was in hospital, it had been one of the most emotional days of his life. Rowan and Lister had been there for him, and as he looked at where Lister lay in his hospital bed, he knew it was his turn to be there forhim.





	hide my chest (feel at home)

**Author's Note:**

> title is based on 'this is home' by cavetown (yes ik the lyric isn't about binding)

Jimmy was watching Lister. In the back of his mind, he couldn't get over the idea that if he looked away, even for one second, Lister would begin to slip away again - despite it having been a day since he was deemed to be in stable condition.

Lister pretended not to notice. Jimmy knew he was awake from the way he fidgeted under his gaze, even though Lister's eyes were completely shut at the moment.

His paranoia set aside, Jimmy was concerned for Lister. He couldn't move without wincing, and Jimmy couldn't shake the feeling that it was his fault - it had been his knife, after all, and his careless admittance of self-hatred that drove Lister to take it.

He wanted to protect Lister, to keep him safe. The past week had changed him so much.

The last time Jimmy was in hospital, it had been one of the most emotional days of his life. Rowan and Lister had been there for him, and as he looked at where Lister lay in his hospital bed, he knew it was his turn to be there for _him._

Except he didn't really know how to do that, no matter how much he rolled it over in his head.

And so Lister was all that was on his mind. Lister, Lister, Lister.

Movement brought Jimmy out of his thoughts. Lister had given up on pretending to be asleep, rolled his head towards Jimmy, and opened his eyes. For a few moments, their gazes were locked onto each other. Lister seemed to expect Jimmy so say something - maybe explain his staring - but Jimmy said nothing; he was too focused on the circles under Lister's eyes, and the quickening beat of his own heart.

Lister sighed. He scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head. "Where's Rowan?"

"Bathroom."

Lister hummed, and graced Jimmy with a look even more exhausted than the first once he saw that Jimmy was still watching him. "Am I really that interesting to you?"

It sounded a tad spiteful. Jimmy chuckled awkwardly. "Sorry," he offered, but still couldn't tear his eyes away. _Fuck's sake, Jimmy, what are you doing?_

Jimmy noticed the rise and fall of Lister's chest, and all of a sudden he looked vulnerable - scared, maybe, or apprehensive of why Jimmy was staring. Jimmy apologised again, and managed to grit out, "I just- can I hold you? O-or something?"

Lister's eyes widened, and Jimmy was freefalling through waves of regret, but then he smiled weakly. "Sure." 

Then, before Jimmy could object, he shuffled painstakingly to the side to make space. Jimmy gave him a look, but sat down wordlessly. He had to twist his body weirdly and curl his arm into his chest just to lay his other arm across Lister's front. This was a mistake; Jimmy could now feel just how fast Lister's breathing really was. He elected to ignore it.

Jimmy's nose rested against Lister's shoulder. He smelled, unsurprisingly, of hospital. And a bit like sweat. Jimmy squeezed Lister's shoulder gently.

"Remember when you got top surgery?" Lister asked, words tripping over one another.

A sharp breath escaped Jimmy's nose in lieu of a laugh. Lister was thinking over those memories too, then. Jimmy adjusted his head so his cheek was squished against Lister's shoulder. "Wait, is that why I have scars on my chest?"

Lister giggled - maybe because of his pain medication - and abruptly winced. "Fuck off. You were high as shit that day."

Jimmy hummed, and he felt his wrist brush against Lister's elbow.

"Any- anyway," Lister continued, "you cried a lot that day. And I've...I've seen you cry before, but that day it made me realise how much dysphoria must suck. And how strong you are for putting up with it. You're the strongest person I know, Jimmy." Lister's voice was quiet, and he was staring hard at the ceiling.

Jimmy didn't really know what to say to that. He knew he didn't deserve an award for dealing with something that was such a normal part of his life. The praise was especially weird coming from Lister, but it warmed Jimmy's chest a little nonetheless.

He hooked his hand round the crook of Lister's arm and looked up to see Lister watching him. He saw fear, plain as day, in Lister's eyes. Jimmy realised how scared Lister was and, all at once, Jimmy knew just how hopeless Lister was feeling.

His not-so-secret alcoholism was now a problem he had to deal with. It would probably take away his enjoyment of parties, which Jimmy knew would be hard for him; Lister _loved_ parties.

Then there was the feelings thing. The _dating_ thing. Lister and Jimmy would have to deal with that, one way or another.

He had almost died, for fuck's sake.

And soon he would be going to therapy for the first time ever.

Jimmy searched for Lister's hand and took it, gentle as ever. "You're gonna get through this," he whispered as sincerely as he could with the nerves that were clawing at his throat.

Lister gulped, and it seemed that he knew Jimmy wasn't just talking about his stab wound.

Always a man of excellent timing, Rowan walked through the door at precisely the moment Lister's finger's closed on Jimmy's knuckles. He shot a punctuated look at Jimmy, who was just remembering what Rowan said earlier:

_"I think he's got a crush on you."_

Jimmy had said they'd talk about it later, but that hadn't happened. Yet.

Luckily, Lister jumped in before Rowan said anything. "We're talking about emotions, Ro. Come join us!"

Rowan chuckled. "No, thanks. How you holding up, Lister?"

"I'm good. I'm getting emotional support hugs."

"Cool." With the absence of a real answer, Rowan seized the opportunity to focus on Jimmy again. "Jim, get your fucking shoes off the bed."

Jimmy flipped him off, but kicked his shoes off anyway, and in doing so kneed Lister in the legs.

"Ow!"

Jimmy's face fell. "Shit, Lister, I'm sorry- "

Lister shook his head. "S'alright. I'm exaggerating."

"Dickhead." Rowan leaned forward and flicked him in the forehead. "Jimmy, can I talk to you?"

Jimmy looked him dead in the eye and replied, very seriously, "I can't. I'm giving emotional support hugs."

"Well, damn. Fuck you too, I guess."

Jimmy grinned.

Later, once Lister had drifted off to sleep, Jimmy was reluctant to leave him to it. Lister was warm and the pace of his breath was a comforting rhythm on the side of Jimmy's face. Really, Jimmy didn't want to risk waking him up from his well-earned rest by untangling their fingers.

For once, Jimmy was calm - or as calm as he possibly could be. Calmer than he had been in a very, very long time.

"Jim," Rowan began softly. He was on his phone, sitting in a chair behind Jimmy. "Do you like him back?"

It was all Jimmy could do not to snap his head round to look at Rowan indignantly. "Shut the fuck up, what if he's awake?"

Rowan laughed at that. "He's dead to the world."

Jimmy softened. "Yeah, he is," he admitted, and unlatched his hand from Lister's shoulder. He very nearly fell off the bed in his attempts to angle himself away from Lister. "I'm not sure yet, Rowan. It's been a while since I liked someone. Properly."

"Well, let me know when you figure it out. You guys…" Rowan seemed to consider his next words, "I think you'd be good for each other."

"Being the dad of the group, your approval means the world to me," Jimmy tried to deadpan, but his face cracked into a grin.

Rowan chuckled again. "Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?"

Jimmy couldn't contain his laughter. He tried to stop once he felt Lister stirring, and shared one last look with Rowan before he looked back at his phone, and Jimmy turned back to the man beside him.

He looked at Lister. He was exhausted, and it showed. His hair was unwashed. He was the same gorgeous man people saw in magazines, but Jimmy felt as though he was seeing him for the first time.

Running a thumb over the back of his hand, Jimmy closed his eyes.


End file.
